Matt Mochary

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How to maintain personal connection in a remote world (3 min)

As CEO, it is critical to have a personal connection with your team. They need to know that you care about them before they care about the work they do for you. 
When in the office, this personal connection is relatively easy to maintain. You say hello to them each morning and goodbye to them each evening when you leave. You see them at lunchtime and ask them about their lives. 
But how do you maintain that connection when there are no informal in-person interactions that serve as prompts to say these "hellos," "goodbyes," and "what is going on in your life"? 
Create your own prompts.
First, get to know some personal information about each person on your team (the name of their spouse, their children, their pets, where they grew up, what they like to do for fun).  You can create a Personal Info, Team - example (1 min) and ask people to enter their information there.
Then, schedule some time each week (I recommend one hour per week) to reach out to various members of your community (work team, investors, family, friends) and let them know that you are thinking of them. The message need not be long. The only intent is to let them know that you are thinking about them.
Here are some examples:
"Thinking of you. Hope you, Dan, Cindy, and Luke are doing well."
"I saw this article on tennis and thought of you."
That's it. The message need not be long nor elaborate. The only purpose is to let your colleague know that you are thinking about them and remember the important things about their life. 
It takes very little time, and it is massively effective. 
You are likely thinking: "Matt, this is such an obvious ploy. My people will see right through it."
If so, to you, I reply: "Many of my coachees still send me messages like this. I know exactly what they are doing. Hell, I'm the one who showed them how to do it. And yet, I appreciate it every time. Because I know that they intend to create a connection with me and that always feels good."
Another anecdote: The best operating CEO I've ever known, who self-admittedly doesn't have much emotional intelligence at all, once asked me: "Matt, please help me to be more empathetic and create an emotional connection with my team." So, I gave him the advice above. Being the best operator, he immediately and faithfully followed the advice. 
A month later, I facilitated a 2-day offsite for him and his executive team. When, at one point, he left the room, the entire executive team turned to me, and said "How did you do it? He used to be a robot. And then about 30 days ago, he suddenly turned into this super-caring, super-compassionate guy." And they started sharing with me examples of ways that he reached out to them in a very personal way. "I was on the airplane with my family getting ready to go to my parents' house for Thanksgiving when I got a text from him saying: 'I hope you, Dan, Cindy, and Luke have a great time with your parents in Michigan. Safe travels.' I was blown away."
Listening to all this was the newest executive hire, who had only just come on board. She was shocked. "You mean he wasn't like this two months ago? I just went through the recruiting process with him and concluded that he is the most empathetic CEO I have ever known or even heard of."

Heard:  how to make people feel it (2 min)

Video of Matt explaining Heard:  how to make people feel it (4 min)

When people have a feeling or thought, they want to feel heard. If they don't, they will feel resentment. 
So, how do you make people feel heard? By listening deeply and then actively acknowledging what they say (or even better, what their actual thoughts are).
First, get ready to feel triggered (i.e., anger, fear, sadness). Tell yourself that if these emotions come, they are going to give you bad advice. Instead, imagine a glass case around the person that you are talking to. Anything they say is not going to leave that glass case. None of it hits you.  (This is a critical step, because if you do get triggered, you will not be able to make the person feel heard.  In fact, you will do the opposite.)
Second, ask the person to express what their feelings and thoughts are. Really be present with the person you’re listening to. Put away any distractions. Make it your entire intention to listen fully to understand, not to talk/respond right away.
Third, acknowledge what they said by …
If they are trying to give you feedback (or are simply getting angry at you), then ...

Confirm that you heard it correctly by saying, "I think I heard you say …" Summarize what they said or wrote. Then say, "Is that right?" If they say, "Yes," you are done. 
If they say, "Not quite," ask them to repeat it until you can summarize it correctly.

Once you have correctly summarized what they said, you can even go deeper by asking, "Is there more?"  
You can keep going deeper and deeper by repeating this process until the person says “No, that’s it.”  If you allow the person to go all the way down to the core issue, they usually have an ah-ha moment that almost resolves the issue on its own.
If you want to go to the advanced level when repeating back, also describe to them the feeling they are experiencing. Do this by feeling the emotions yourself and expressing the thoughts in your head if you were in their situation. Go big here. Exaggerate the thoughts. Use swear words. Remember that they fear you will get angry if they say what they really think (and then become vindictive). So they have toned down their thought when saying it. If you tone it down, even more, they will not feel heard. But, by contrast, if you amp it up, they will likely say, "Well, it's not that extreme." But they will feel heard. And they will be safe seeing that even though you thought they were saying the amped-up version, you didn't get angry.
Example:
What was said or written: 
"I wish that you wouldn't act in anger."

What is likely in their head: 
"Goddammit, why do you always have to be such an f-ing bully? Let people talk and at least have the courtesy to not rage at the ones who are telling you what you need to hear while the others cower in silence!"
Again, say, "Is that right?" If they say, "Yes," you are done. 
If they say, "Not quite," ask them to repeat it until you can summarize it correctly. Once you have correctly summarized what they said, you can even go deeper by asking, "Is there more?"  (There is almost always more!)
After the above process is complete, to confirm that you have done it correctly, ask the person: "Do you feel heard?"

2. If they are sharing a painful thing that is going on in their life ...
Don't repeat back what they said. Instead, say, "I imagine that you are feeling …." And then honestly try to imagine what they are feeling and thinking. Express that. 
"Is that right?" If they say, "Yes," you can even go deeper by asking …
	 "Is there more?"  Or even better …
	“There’s more.  Please tell me more.”  Because there is almost always more! 
If they say, "Not quite," ask them to repeat it until you can summarize it correctly. Once you have correctly summarized what they said, you can even go deeper by asking, "Please tell me more."

What if someone won't say what they are feeling or thinking? No worries, you can still make them feel heard. You have to imagine what they are thinking and say that. "I imagine that you are thinking something like …." And then, "Is that right?" If they say, "Yes," you are done.
If they say, "No," ask them what their thoughts are. Now that they have seen that you won't get angry, they are more likely to share. 
If they still don't share, you can try to imagine their thoughts again. Repeat until they do share and you have reflected it correctly.
This is the single most powerful tool that I know of to create trust and connection. People want to feel heard. And they can only know that you heard them if you say back their words (or, even better, their thoughts) to them. Oddly, this step is more impactful than acting on their feedback, or helping them solve their problem.
Conversely, if you feel that someone you are talking to is not hearing you, you can simply ask them:  “To make sure that I am communicating well, can you please repeat back what you heard me say.”   If that feels too blunt, you can first share with them this document.

Trust and Like (5 min)

Video of Andy Bromberg (CEO of Eco) explaining how to build impactful relationships (10 min)

Think about the people you like. Do you like people who talk about themselves and show no interest or curiosity about you and your life? Or do you like people who ask about you, listen attentively, and are genuinely curious about what makes you tick?
If you want to create a meaningful relationship with someone:
Get genuinely curious about their lives, both at work and home.
Ask them lots of questions.
Prove to them you're listening by saying, "I think I heard you say…" and then repeating back to them the highlights of what they said to you.
When the meeting ends, write down as much information about the person as you remember.
At your next meeting with them, say, "The last time we talked, you said…" and again repeat the highlights. They will find it heartwarming to see someone who cares enough about the details of their life to remember them. 
Also, let them know what they have done that you appreciate. If nothing else, you can always enjoy that they took the time to meet.
Be explicit about your intent to build a relationship. Say something like, "I would like to develop a real relationship with you." That intent alone is heartwarming. And will make the person want to invest the time to create that relationship with you.
After the first meeting, ask for a second. Since the stated purpose is to build a relationship, the person is likely to say yes. If you have genuinely allowed them to speak about themselves, they will have enjoyed the meeting and look forward to another.
These meetings do not need to be extensive, nor do they need to be in person. A fifteen-minute phone call can be as effective as a one-hour meal if, after time has passed, you demonstrate genuine care and a memory for the details of their life. After two meetings like this, they will trust and like you when you listen to them and reflect on what they say. Several more, and they will love you. You'll know when the moment comes that they like and trust you. They will likely say it. If not, their body language will show it. 
If you aren't good at reading body language, wait. At some point, the person will say something like (and this is an actual quote from an investor): "I really like you. I want to work with you. Now tell me what your company does." 
To summarize, the four keys are:
Ask them about their lives.
Prove that you heard them by saying, "I think I heard you say ...:"
Prove that you remember by saying at the next meeting, "The last time we talked, you said …."
Let them know what you appreciate about them.
If you do all four of these things, you will have created a bond, and you then have a willing partner (i.e., investor, customer, recruit) in whatever your endeavor is.
When most CEOs hear of this method for the first time, they have a substantial adverse reaction. This method feels unnatural and goes against their instincts to close quickly. Later, once they have tried the technique, and it works like a charm, they become raving fans. Therefore, my best advice is to try it on a few prospective partners and see if it is more effective than the traditional approach.
Strengthening the Relationship
Once you have met with someone a couple of times and demonstrated your memory and care for their lives, you have created a relationship. This connection is likely enough for them to like you. But why settle for just enough? To further strengthen the relationship, continue to be curious about them, and show them that you remember what they say. Three to five rounds of contact will solidify the relationship. Not every one of these rounds needs to be an in-person meeting—it can be enough to send a quick message, as when someone sent me this email:
Matt,
Your old house, no??
Peter
http://www.sfgate.com/realestate/walkthrough/article/Soothing-style-welcoming-pool-patio-defines-11023844.php#photo-12599447
I felt honored that he remembered where I used to live. And I now feel even more connected to him. 
Lest you think this is a tactic that only over-aggressive young CEOs use, know that the person who sent this message is a very wealthy retired CEO/founder who wants nothing. He was just genuinely reminded about me. 
Below is another example, a message of appreciation from Bill Trenchard of First Round Capital. 
Hey Matt,
Just wanted to drop a note of thanks. I really enjoyed our talk on Tuesday and brief ones since. Also greatly appreciate you treating me to lunch. Talk soon!

Bill
I feel honored that he took the time to appreciate me.

The following comes from Andy Bromberg, founding CEO of CoinList, who takes it a step further:
At the risk of giving up my secrets, I'd suggest handwritten thank you notes. The response I get to my handwritten notes is incredible. People are floored. And often remember me as "the handwritten note guy."
So make it a practice to regularly go through your contact list and send out messages of appreciation. (Chris Fralic of First Round Capital, in his iconic blogpost, states that he does this every Friday for one hour. Andy Bromberg does it for a few minutes each day.) You will be shocked by the massive goodwill that it generates.

Please know that the above techniques, and all of those I have written about in relationship-building below, are manipulative. You can use them for good (to create a connection with someone you will treat well) or for bad (to connect with someone you will not treat well). I hope that you will use them for good only.

Trust and Like (5 min)
Relationships: How to get good at them (2 min)
How to maintain personal connection in a remote world (3 min)
Relationships - How to create a good one between a Manager and her Reports (3 min; 60 min for the links)
Appreciation (1 min)
Praise (2 min)
Trust, Deep (2 min)
Fundraising- The Relationship Method (10 min)
Celebration (1 min)
Conflict Resolution (aka Relationship-Building) (10 min)
Listening Tours, by Ian Tien (5 min)
Love Meeting (5 min including video)
Personal Info, Team - example (1 min)
Trust: How to create it among peers (2 min)
Heard: how to make people feel it (2 min)

ver the years, I have trained myself to get things done efficiently and quickly. As a result, people often say, “Wow, how do you get so much done in so little time?!” The truth is, I’m not special. Anyone can learn to do this. The secret is having a bias towards action.
The “bias towards action” method worked for me ...
now as the COO of 🔗 Mochary Method as we build the Method into software and simultaneously train world-class coaches
when I was Chief of Staff to Matt Mochary and had to help him 🔗 feel like a Superhuman
when I was Head of Operations at On Deck and tasked with launching 20+ fellowships in 2021, and
when I bootstrapped my first company, a boutique music school, to $1mm in ARR
Below is the framework I use.
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Step 1: Do you need to do it?
First, just because you can get something done, doesn’t mean you should.
And just because someone has asked you to do something, doesn’t mean you should do it.
Before you agree to do something, remember that for every request you say “yes” to, you’re saying “no” to something else. Is that trade-off worth it?
Here are a few more questions you can ask yourself:
If you are a manager: how important is it for you yourself to do it? Instead, can you delegate it to one of your direct reports?
If you are an individual contributor: is the task in harmony with what your manager’s priorities are? Is it in the company’s best interest?*
*For a deeper understanding on what “company’s best interest” means, please read 🔗 **No Rules Rules by Reed Hastings. Here is an 🔗 excellent summary on the book by Matt Mochary.
TL;DR: should you say yes to that thing? Think carefully about the time spent and the payoff for doing it.
👉 Here’s a tip: try to say yes to things that are only full-bodied “yes.” That means saying yes when your head, heart, and gut are all in agreement. (Hat tip to 🔗 Kat Agostino for this amazing insight.)
<aside> ☝ Regina’s personal experience:
I used to have a hard time saying no to people and tasks that didn’t energize me. Then, one day, I realized that everything I said half-bodied “yes”es to zapped away time that Matt needed me working on high-output tasks.
As a result, I started experimenting with valuing my time at the same cost as Matt’s hourly rate.
The result: All of a sudden, it became much easier to say no.
</aside>
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Step 2a: Is this the best thing I can be doing with my time right now?
If you have decided that it is, indeed, worth it to do the task and that it’s in the company’s best interest, the next step is to ask yourself: Is this the most important task on my plate right now?
When I decide how to structure my work day and what stuff I’ll get done, I first consult my Actions Towards Goals.
💡 Here is a framework for figuring out your actions towards goals:
Look at your company’s goals. This can exist in the form of an MVV (Mission, Vision, Values), OKRs and KPIs, or a Product Roadmap if your company is pre-product market fit.
For further reading on Product Roadmap, please read 🔗 this.
For further reading on Mission, Vision, and Values, take a look at MM’s vision doc 🔗 here.
Look at your Areas of Responsibility (AORs). If your company doesn’t have an AOR list, I highly encourage you to help them implement one. That way, there is no ambiguity in who owns what processes across the entire org.
To implement AORs, 🔗 check this out.
Look at your action tracker. Look at the agreements you’ve made with others on the tasks you have promised.
For further information, I recommend checking out my 🔗 Asana as an Agreements Tracker playlist to see how to implement one in your org.
If you’re a manager, your main job is likely following up on actions with your immediate team and cross-functionally with other department heads.
If you’re an IC, your main job is likely working on projects your manager and you have collectively agreed on you owning.
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Step 2b: Example: company goals → personal work goals → action
👉 (If you like seeing real-life examples, continue reading. Otherwise, skip to the next section.)
Below are screenshots from my own personal actions tracker. I answer the following questions, step by step:
What are the company goals?
Based on those goals, what should my work goals be?
What are the actions I can do to finish those goals?
Regina’s example...
Here are my current company goals, pulled from our 🔗 Mission, Vision, Values doc.

Here is how I’ve chosen my Actions Towards Goals (notice that each section has one action item: product, people, and self.)

And as a result, here is what I choose to do daily because it is the best use of my time:

After going through this line of questioning, it becomes abundantly clear what I have to do to move the needle forward. Everything else is a distraction.
I reevaluate this list of priorities on a weekly basis to make sure I’m still on track.
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Step 3a: How can I make this action happen in the next 30 minutes?
Recently, I was teaching 🔗 Nate Forster, Matt Mochary’s newest Chief of Staff and my successor in the role, how to get sh*t done quickly.
I taught Nate that if he wanted to be massively productive, any time someone gave him a task he decided was worth doing, or he assigned himself something, I encouraged him to ask himself that question.
He then joked that Frank Slootman, the CEO of Snowflake, wrote in his book 🔗 Amp It Up that the #1 question he asked his team was, “What can we do to make this happen today?”
I suppose, then, my mantra is just Frank Slootman’s mantra on steroids: “How can I make this action happen in the next 30 minutes?”

This was the post-it that inspired Nate to ask me about bias towards action, and actually the post-it that started this entire blog post.
One of the biggest hurdles of having a bias towards action is expecting perfection right from the get-go.
Rather than ...
jumping down the rabbit hole of hypothetical “what-ifs” that never happen, or
waiting to ship until a product is utterly perfect,
...instead, optimizing for getting something in front of an audience and iterating from there is the best way to make progress towards goals.
☝️ A note for managers:
When I work with my team, I find that this is a helpful prompt in promoting a bias towards action culture. It puts them in the driver’s seat, helps them lean into their autonomy, and gives them decision-making power.
In fact, the semantics here matter.
Matt and I have gotten in a habit of requesting that our teammates declare what they’re going to do and actively solicit our feedback.
This toggle contains an example of what you can send to your direct reports to challenge them into acting with autonomy. Notice how I write to Sabrina, “What do you intend to do?” This has worked for every person who reports to me, regardless of their seniority level.

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Step 3b: Example: Ship it faster than an MVP
👉 (If you like seeing real-life examples, continue reading. Otherwise, skip to the next section.)
One great example I have on truncating timelines is Mochary Method’s work using no-code.
First, custom software takes a long time to build.
Mochary Method is creating the all-in-one solution for startups to run their companies effectively. But we all know that takes a long time. So, what next?
The solution: I was curious on whether no-code could be an effective solution for prototyping our software.
So, a few months ago, we began working with Joe Brown and the team at 🔗 Smaal Co to get an MVP off the ground, all built in Bubble.

Joe (@cuhpajo) is so excited to launch our app that he’s throwing out all sorts of teasers about it. If you’re reading this... now you know what he’s talking about. :)
We were given an estimate that our entire software would take around four months to build. MVPs are supposed to be the quickest things to ship, right? Right. So that should be the fastest we can get something off the ground.
But what if that was wrong?
We had an even more radical idea: what if we could build another tool concurrently that could be shipped in a matter of weeks? This would prove whether we could even build a proper MVP in Bubble to begin with.
Using the same “30-minutes” thinking principle, I challenged Joe to build us a no-code tool, with design and database architecture able to integrate into the larger tool, all in a matter of two weeks.
Sure enough, Joe said yes. And two weeks later, we had a product that worked! This gave us the confidence that we could, indeed, prototype using Bubble.

The proposal to craft a working prototype complete with design and database architecture in a matter of days.

The resulting prototype, built in a matter of days and ready to test.
But why stop there? We were on a roll and loved no-code. After completing that project, we asked: was there another piece the Smaal Team could create in the same timeline?
When we asked, Joe say he could build us another tool on our Santa’s wishlist of no-code products, but that tool would take at least month. What followed was a conversation of how we could make it happen faster.
This first photo is of the proposal suggesting our tool be built in a four-week timeline, with some added time for QA testing before launch.

Initial proposal: 4 week timeline.
The next photo was my back-and-forth conversation with Joe on what action items he could take to make the development go faster, which resulted in an accelerated timeline.

In the end, we ended up agreeing to ship the Energy Audit tool in a little over two weeks. This was faster than the original suggested timeline of a month (or more!), just because I asked: “How can we make this happen faster?”
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Step 4: What can I accomplish before someone assigns me an action?
The final step (Frank Slootman’s mantra on double-steroids) is:
What action items can I give myself and do to make this goal happen before anyone assigns me an action item?
An operator’s greatest superpower is being able to predict the needs of the organization before anyone asks them to do it.
This means preemptively going through the logic tree in Step 2a and giving yourself action items to act on before anyone else does it for you.
This is shockingly simple to implement. All you have to do is ask yourself what actions you need to take to reach the goals.
In order to better illustrate how to do this, I’ve left a few examples from various chapters of my own life on how Bias Towards Action might look as an IC, a manager, and a founder.
Regina’s example as an Individual Contributor
When I was Matt’s Chief of Staff, because Matt’s goals were effectively my goals, I would ask myself: “What is the next action item I can take to advance his goals before he even needs to think about asking me?”
This could apply to literally anything. Asking this question helped me:
draft emails for Matt to follow up with VIPs in his inbox (corresponding goal: get Matt to Inbox Zero and connect with interesting people)
line up plane tickets and hotel options for his next trip (corresponding goal: Restore)
suggest meeting times for the next retrospective to debrief with the Engineering team (goal: ship V1 of software by the end of the year)
The common theme was that Matt’s life was now plug-and-play: he didn’t have to think because I did all the thinking for him. This left him time and brain space to think about stuff that he loved thinking about: coaching and being the visionary of the software.
Regina’s example as a Manager
In my previous job, I saw that the company I worked for had ambitious goals of launching 20+ fellowships (our “product”) by 2Q21. Here was my thought pattern which made it happen before anyone asked me to think about it:
The company’s goal is to launch 20+ products by 2Q21. Therefore, it is the Operations Department’s goal to put infrastructure and resourcing in place to handle 20+ products.
What are the building blocks to make create one product happen? Answer: playbook everything and document along the way. Everyone needs to contribute to documentation efforts.
What is the minimum amount of resourcing we need to make one product? Answer: we need at least one director and one operations associate to launch, and one EA per 3-5 product launches.
With that number, what do we need to make twenty products? Answer: at least 20 operations associates, and at least 4 EAs to assist with said product launches provided we stagger product launches.
When do we need to start hiring by to hit our deadline of resourcing, training, and deploying operations associates? Answer: yesterday. Next-best day is today.
Which departments do we have to collaborate with in the company to make this work? Answer: all of them. Write out exactly what we need from every department and don’t stop until we get what we need from each of them.
The result of this bias-towards-action thinking was:
We were able to launch all 20 products by our given timeline
We were able to hire, train, and deploy 15 operations associates in one quarter
We had playbooks in the Operations department written in the event that I needed to pass the role onto someone else
The company was able to successfully raise $20mm in Series A funding, in part because of the hockey stick growth in revenue from the product launches

An example of one of the pieces of documentation created in order to accommodate scale.
Regina’s example as a Founder
Lastly, I’ll share an example from my Founder days. Before I was familiar with the term, we hit product-market fit.
We had a waiting list of clients that was 1.5 years long, there were over 100 people in and out of my apartment-turned-music-studio every week, and I had clients that were throwing fistfuls of money in my face for the chance of getting music lessons using my methodology.
Below was my line of questioning to go from a solo bootstrapper into a full-fledged music school.
What was the goal? Answer: create the best, world-class piano school in all of Los Angeles county.
What has to be true for that goal to happen? Answer: I need to hire and train teachers to teach using my methodology. I need training seminars and a way to make my methodology repeatable (therefore, documenting everything.) Lastly, I need an actual music space: my tiny apartment isn’t cutting it anymore.
What has to happen to make that scenario true? Answer: Find, hire, and train two teachers to absorb my methodology. Document and record everything along the way. Find a commercial space by mid-1Q17.
What is going to take the most time? Answer: Finding the commercial space with the needed specs: at least 1000 sqft for all the grand pianos, within budget, easy to access for parents, and soundproofing installed.
What are the next actions? Answer: After finding the space...Negotiate for landlord-paid improvements to get walls, flooring, etc. covered to keep us in budget. Offer to cover soundproofing since it’s a music business-specific expense.
Get building permits + get architect’s blueprints approved.
Cause building company to build the whole damn thing in 14 days.
Have a furniture-building party with friends to pitch in to open the school in time.
The results: we opened our doors in February 2017, scaled to well over $500k in bootstrapped revenue during the first year, and ended up hiring a lean team of five people. Because I started from the goal and planned for what we needed, we were instantly profitable from the get-go. To this day, the school continues to live on.

One of the pictures from the before and after of renovation, a key part in scaling the company.
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Conclusion
Bias towards action can be cultivated and trained over time. When you master this skill, you will apply it to all facets of your life with massive success. At that point, congratulations — I think you’ve truly become an excellent operator.

Further Links / Resources
Section 1...How to ‣
No Rules Rules by Reed Hastings
Matt’s summary on No Rules Rules
Kat Agostino’s website - the person who taught me the definition of a “full-bodied yes” (meaning “head, heart, and gut all say yes”)
Section 2...How to build your product roadmap
Mochary Method’s vision doc
Implementing Areas of Responsibility (AORs) in your org
Implementing an agreements tracker using Asana in your org
Section 3...Amp It Up by Frank Slootman
Joe Brown and the Smaal team (no-code)
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Love Notes
A special thank you goes to Nate Forster, who prompted me to write this article in the first place. I didn’t realize how needed it was for this to be documented. You gave me the kick in the ass I needed to write it. I am so glad you encouraged me to do this.
Thank you to Sabrina Wang, Sydney Liu, and Lucas Gerbeaux for reading the one initial draft of this article. Your insights and input mean so much to me!
And lastly, a thank you goes to my mom, who taught me to think in a bias-towards-action manner. She has no idea that I’m saying thank you to her for teaching me this, but when I think back to my childhood, she was always the one who asked me how I could get shit done faster. I am so grateful to her and for her tough love.
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