Never Split The Difference

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Most potent tool: The open-ended question

Calibrated questions: Queries that the other side can respond to but have no fixed answers. It buys you time and gives your counterpart the illusion of control. They have the answers and the power and it hides how constrained they are.

Secret Weapon
How am I supposed to do that
How can I do that?
Tell me how I can do that

Voss on what he's doing
“I’m just asking questions,” I said. “It’s a passive-aggressive approach. I just ask the same three or four open-ended questions over and over and over and over. They get worn out answering and give me everything I want.”

Roots of technique
What were needed were simple psychological tactics and strategies that worked in the field to calm people down, establish rapport, gain trust, elicit the verbalization of needs, and persuade the other guy of our empathy. We needed something easy to teach, easy to learn, and easy to execute.

On Listening
It all starts with the universally applicable premise that people want to be understood and accepted. Listening is the cheapest, yet most effective concession we can make to get there. By listening intensely, a negotiator demonstrates empathy and shows a sincere desire to better understand what the other side is experiencing.

Tactical Empathy
Tactical Empathy. This is listening as a martial art, balancing the subtle behaviors of emotional intelligence and the assertive skills of influence, to gain access to the mind of another person.

Why Negotiation is Important
Negotiation serves two distinct, vital life functions—information gathering and behavior influencing—and includes almost any interaction where each party wants something from the other side. Your career, your finances, your reputation, your love life, even the fate of your kids—at some point all of these hinge on your ability to negotiate.

How To Achieve Negotiation Mastery

The first step to achieving a mastery of daily negotiation is to get over your aversion to negotiating. You don’t need to like it; you just need to understand that’s how the world works. Negotiating does not mean browbeating or grinding someone down. It simply means playing the emotional game that human society is set up for. In this world, you get what you ask for; you just have to ask correctly. So claim your prerogative to ask for what you think is right.

Always question what people force upon you
What they ask/tell you to do
What they ask/tell you what to accept
What they ask/tell you what to think

The Power of Negotiation
Effective negotiation is applied people smarts, a psychological edge in every domain of life: how to size someone up, how to influence their sizing up of you, and how to use that knowledge to get what you want.

Techniques
Active Listening
Avoiding Assumptions
Nonverbal techniques
Mirroring
Silence
Late-Night FM DJ Voice
Tactical Empathy
Labeling
Accusation Audit
That's Right v. Yes
Summaries and Paraphrasing
Getting to "No"
Framing the Negotiation
Calibrated Questions
Bargaining
Black Swans

great negotiators aim to use their skills to reveal the surprises they are certain exist.

Chapter 2 Summary
A good negotiator prepares, going in, to be ready for possible surprises; a great negotiator aims to use her skills to reveal the surprises she is certain to find. 
Don’t commit to assumptions; instead, view them as hypotheses and use the negotiation to test them rigorously.
People who view negotiation as a battle of arguments become overwhelmed by the voices in their head. Negotiation is not an act of battle; it’s a process of discovery. The goal is to uncover as much information as possible.
To quiet the voices in your head, make your sole and all-encompassing focus the other person and what they have to say.
Slow. It. Down. Going too fast is one of the mistakes all negotiators are prone to making. If we’re too much in a hurry, people can feel as if they’re not being heard. You risk undermining the rapport and trust you’ve built.
Put a smile on your face. When people are in a positive frame of mind, they think more quickly, and are more likely to collaborate and problem-solve (instead of fight and resist). Positivity creates mental agility in both you and your counterpart. 
There are three voice tones available to negotiators: 
The late-night FM DJ voice: Use selectively to make a point. Inflect your voice downward, keeping it calm and slow. When done properly, you create an aura of authority and trustworthiness without triggering defensiveness.
The positive/playful voice: Should be your default voice. It’s the voice of an easygoing, good-natured person. Your attitude is light and encouraging. The key here is to relax and smile while you’re talking.
The direct or assertive voice: Used rarely. Will cause problems and create pushback. 
Mirrors work magic. Repeat the last three words (or the critical one to three words) of what someone has just said. We fear what’s different and are drawn to what’s similar. Mirroring is the art of insinuating similarity, which facilitates bonding. Use mirrors to encourage the other side to empathize and bond with you, keep people talking, buy your side time to regroup, and encourage your counterparts to reveal their strategy.

Chapter 3 Summary
Imagine yourself in your counterpart’s situation. The beauty of empathy is that it doesn’t demand that you agree with the other person’s ideas (you may well find them crazy). But by acknowledging the other person’s situation, you immediately convey that you are listening. And once they know that you are listening, they may tell you something that you can use. 
The reasons why a counterpart will not make an agreement with you are often more powerful than why they will make a deal, so focus first on clearing the barriers to agreement. Denying barriers or negative influences gives them credence; get them into the open. 
Pause. After you label a barrier or mirror a statement, let it sink in. Don’t worry, the other party will fill the silence. 
Label your counterpart’s fears to diffuse their power. We all want to talk about the happy stuff, but remember, the faster you interrupt action in your counterpart’s amygdala, the part of the brain that generates fear, the faster you can generate feelings of safety, well-being, and trust.
List the worst things that the other party could say about you and say them before the other person can. Performing an accusation audit in advance prepares you to head off negative dynamics before they take root. And because these accusations often sound exaggerated when said aloud, speaking them will encourage the other person to claim that quite the opposite is true. 
Remember you’re dealing with a person who wants to be appreciated and understood. So use labels to reinforce and encourage positive perceptions and dynamics.

Chapter 4 Summary

Break the habit of attempting to get people to say “yes.” Being pushed for “yes” makes people defensive. Our love of hearing “yes” makes us blind to the defensiveness we ourselves feel when someone is pushing us to say it. 
“No” is not a failure. We have learned that “No” is the anti-“Yes” and therefore a word to be avoided at all costs. But it really often just means “Wait” or “I’m not comfortable with that.” Learn how to hear it calmly. It is not the end of the negotiation, but the beginning. 
“Yes” is the final goal of a negotiation, but don’t aim for it at the start. Asking someone for “Yes” too quickly in a conversation—“Do you like to drink water, Mr. Smith?”—gets his guard up and paints you as an untrustworthy salesman. 
Saying “No” makes the speaker feel safe, secure, and in control, so trigger it. By saying what they don’t want, your counterpart defines their space and gains the confidence and comfort to listen to you. That’s why “Is now a bad time to talk?” is always better than “Do you have a few minutes to talk?” 
Sometimes the only way to get your counterpart to listen and engage with you is by forcing them into a “No.” That means intentionally mislabeling one of their emotions or desires or asking a ridiculous question—like, “It seems like you want this project to fail”—that can only be answered negatively. 
Negotiate in their world. Persuasion is not about how bright or smooth or forceful you are. It’s about the other party convincing themselves that the solution you want is their own idea. So don’t beat them with logic or brute force. Ask them questions that open paths to your goals. It’s not about you. 
If a potential business partner is ignoring you, contact them with a clear and concise “No”-oriented question that suggests that you are ready to walk away. “Have you given up on this project?” works 
wonders.
Framing No Questions
Would it be a bad idea?
Would it hurt?
Would you be opposed to?
"Is it silly to?
Is now a bad time to talk?

Chapter 5 Summary

Creating unconditional positive regard opens the door to changing thoughts and behaviors. Humans have an innate urge toward socially constructive behavior. The more a person feels understood, and positively affirmed in that understanding, the more likely that urge for constructive behavior will take hold. 
“That’s right” is better than “yes.” Strive for it. Reaching “that’s right” in a negotiation creates breakthroughs. 
Use a summary to trigger a “that’s right.” The building blocks of a good summary are a label combined with paraphrasing. Identify, rearticulate, and emotionally affirm “the world according to . . .”

Chapter 6 Summary

All negotiations are defined by a network of subterranean desires and needs. Don’t let yourself be fooled by the surface. Once you know that the Haitian kidnappers just want party money, you will be miles better prepared. 
Splitting the difference is wearing one black and one brown shoe, so don’t compromise. Meeting halfway often leads to bad deals for both sides. 
Approaching deadlines entice people to rush the negotiating process and do impulsive things that are against their best interests. ■
The F-word—“Fair”—is an emotional term people usually exploit to put the other side on the defensive and gain concessions. When your counterpart drops the F-bomb, don’t get suckered into a concession. Instead, ask them to explain how you’re mistreating them. 
You can bend your counterpart’s reality by anchoring his starting point. Before you make an offer, emotionally anchor them by saying how bad it will be. When you get to numbers, set an extreme anchor to make your “real” offer seem reasonable, or use a range to seem less aggressive. The real value of anything depends on what vantage point you’re looking at it from. ■
People will take more risks to avoid a loss than to realize a gain. Make sure your counterpart sees that there is something to lose by inaction.

Chapter 7 Summary

Don’t try to force your opponent to admit that you are right. Aggressive confrontation is the enemy of constructive negotiation. 
Avoid questions that can be answered with “Yes” or tiny pieces of information. These require little thought and inspire the human need for reciprocity; you will be expected to give something back. 
Ask calibrated questions that start with the words “How” or “What.” By implicitly asking the other party for help, these questions will give your counterpart an illusion of control and will inspire them to speak at length, revealing important information. 
Don’t ask questions that start with “Why” unless you want your counterpart to defend a goal that serves you. “Why” is always an accusation, in any language. 
Calibrate your questions to point your counterpart toward solving your problem. This will encourage them to expend their energy on devising a solution. 
Bite your tongue. When you’re attacked in a negotiation, pause and avoid angry emotional reactions. Instead, ask your counterpart a calibrated question. 
There is always a team on the other side. If you are not influencing those behind the table, you are vulnerable.

Chapter 8 Summary

Ask calibrated “How” questions, and ask them again and again. Asking “How” keeps your counterparts engaged but off balance. Answering the questions will give them the illusion of control. It will also lead them to contemplate your problems when making their demands. 
Use “How” questions to shape the negotiating environment. You do this by using “How can I do that?” as a gentle version of “No.” This will subtly push your counterpart to search for other solutions—your solutions. And very often it will get them to bid against themselves. 
Don’t just pay attention to the people you’re negotiating with directly; always identify the motivations of the players “behind the table.” You can do so by asking how a deal will affect everybody else and how on board they are. 
Follow the 7-38-55 Percent Rule by paying close attention to tone of voice and body language. Incongruence between the words and nonverbal signs will show when your counterpart is lying or uncomfortable with a deal. 
Is the “Yes” real or counterfeit? Test it with the Rule of Three: use calibrated questions, summaries, and labels to get your counterpart to reaffirm their agreement at least three times. It’s really hard to repeatedly lie or fake conviction. 
A person’s use of pronouns offers deep insights into his or her relative authority. If you’re hearing a lot of “I,” “me,” and “my,” the real power to decide probably lies elsewhere. Picking up a lot of “we,” “they,” and “them,” it’s more likely you’re dealing directly with a savvy decision maker keeping his options open. 
Use your own name to make yourself a real person to the other side and even get your own personal discount. Humor and humanity are the best ways to break the ice and remove roadblocks.

Chapter 9 Summary

Identify your counterpart’s negotiating style. Once you know whether they are Accommodator, Assertive, or Analyst, you’ll know the correct way to approach them. 
Prepare, prepare, prepare. When the pressure is on, you don’t rise to the occasion; you fall to your highest level of preparation. So design an ambitious but legitimate goal and then game out the labels, calibrated questions, and responses you’ll use to get there. That way, once you’re at the bargaining table, you won’t have to wing it. 
Get ready to take a punch. Kick-ass negotiators usually lead with an extreme anchor to knock you off your game. If you’re not ready, you’ll flee to your maximum without a fight. So prepare your dodging tactics to avoid getting sucked into the compromise trap. 
Set boundaries, and learn to take a punch or punch back, without anger. The guy across the table is not the problem; the situation is. 
Prepare an Ackerman plan. Before you head into the weeds of bargaining, you’ll need a plan of extreme anchor, calibrated questions, and well-defined offers. Remember: 65, 85, 95, 100 percent. Decreasing raises and ending on nonround numbers will get your counterpart to believe that he’s squeezing you for all you’re worth when you’re really getting to the number you want.

Chapter 10 Summary

Let what you know—your known knowns—guide you but not blind you. Every case is new, so remain flexible and adaptable. Remember the Griffin bank crisis: no hostage-taker had killed a hostage on deadline, until he did. 
Black Swans are leverage multipliers. Remember the three types of leverage: positive (the ability to give someone what they want); negative (the ability to hurt someone); and normative (using your counterpart’s norms to bring them around). 
Work to understand the other side’s “religion.” Digging into worldviews inherently implies moving beyond the negotiating table and into the life, emotional and otherwise, of your counterpart. That’s where Black Swans live. 
Review everything you hear from your counterpart. You will not hear everything the first time, so double-check. Compare notes with team members. Use backup listeners whose job is to listen between the lines. They will hear things you miss. 
Exploit the similarity principle. People are more apt to concede to someone they share a cultural similarity with, so dig for what makes them tick and show that you share common ground. 
When someone seems irrational or crazy, they most likely aren’t. Faced with this situation, search for constraints, hidden desires, and bad information. 
Get face time with your counterpart. Ten minutes of face time often reveals more than days of research. Pay special attention to your counterpart’s verbal and nonverbal communication at unguarded moments—at the beginning and the end of the session or when someone says something out of line.

5 Tools

SECTION I: THE GOAL Think through best/worst-case scenarios but only write down a specific goal that represents the best case.
Set an optimistic but reasonable goal and define it clearly. 
Write it down. 
Discuss your goal with a colleague (this makes it harder to wimp out).
Carry the written goal into the negotiation.

Never actually go in with a goal... there's no way to know what is actually the absolute best outcome. Don't go on offense. Have a long time relationship.

SECTION II: SUMMARY Summarize and write out in just a couple of sentences the known facts that have led up to the negotiation.

SECTION III: LABELS/ACCUSATION AUDIT Prepare three to five labels to perform an accusation audit.

There are fill-in-the-blank labels that can be used in nearly every situation to extract information from your counterpart, or defuse an accusation: It seems like _________ is valuable to you. It seems like you don’t like _________. It seems like you value __________. It seems like _________ makes it easier. It seems like you’re reluctant to _________.

SECTION IV: CALIBRATED QUESTIONS Prepare three to five calibrated questions to reveal value to you and your counterpart and identify and overcome potential deal killers.

Universal Questions
There will be a small group of “What” and “How” questions that you will find yourself using in nearly every situation. Here are a few of them: What are we trying to accomplish? How is that worthwhile? What’s the core issue here? How does that affect things? What’s the biggest challenge you face? How does this fit into what the objective is?

Behind The Table Deal Killers
How does this affect the rest of your team? How on board are the people not on this call? What do your colleagues see as their main challenges in this area?

QUESTIONS TO USE TO UNEARTH THE DEAL-KILLING ISSUES
What are we up against here? What is the biggest challenge you face? How does making a deal with us affect things? What happens if you do nothing? What does doing nothing cost you? How does making this deal resonate with what your company prides itself on?

SECTION V: NONCASH OFFERS Prepare a list of noncash items possessed by your counterpart that would be valuable.

"Here's what you're up against"

"Correction is a phenomenal place to get in a conversation"
Correction is a bonding process
People will tell you stuff, they shouldn't tell you, when they are correcting you.
"No that's not true" , "I don't believe you"

Summarize and tell the world with how you think the other person sees the world. Present it to them. Even if you are wrong, they will correct you. If you don't think you're laying it on thick, you're not laying it thick enough
How does they see me?
How do they see this interaction?
How do they see the situation?
How do they see the zeitgeist?

Everyone you leave should feel respected with you, and that you listened to them and wanting to continue to do business with you in the future.

Do you want to be worst or better. Both takes effort

Will beats skills
tenacity
drive
curiosity

Attitude Determines Altitude

Masterclass
Negotiation
You're not just negotiating yes/no and money, but also mindsets, beliefs
Negotiating is the art of the other side to have your way
Technique
Voice Types
Late Night, FM, DJ Voice (down, down, down, has warmth) Use 10-15% of time situational when other side is upset
Assertive
Playful (straight, shoots up, and smiling.) Use majority of the time (80% of the time)
Analyst (Downward slow inflection. Soothing tone)
Inflections
Down
Up
Tonality is soooo important
Rotate the tonality to switch it up
And make sure to use silence!!
Mirroring
Mirroring is critical for negotiation handling
Repetition of last 3 words
Use with upward inflection
Interesting people are interested. If you listen and mirror, you'll be more "interesting" because you are interested
Turn a wrestling match into a dance
Shut up after mirroring. Go silent
Awkwardness is an indicator of learning
Softening
Use I'm sorry
I'm afraid
Labeling
Labeling might be most useful most innocuous and most applicable. MacGyver Skill. Simplicity gives it elegance
Whenever someone self-labels a negative situation, that negative situation lets up and decreases
"You sound angry about this"
"It seems like you're upset about this"
"It feels like you are angry"
"you sound"
"you seem"
DON'T
"What I'm hearing is...." - because it uses the word I
Don't follow up after a good label, let it sink in. STFU
Labels are just verbal 
Steps to labeling
Be aware of emotions of other side. be aware of what gut 
It's going to take multiple labeling of negative emotions to be effective. 
labeling a positive reinforces it
Mirror and label in tandem. Mirror, Mirror, Mirror, Label. Mirror, Mirror
Giving the Illusion of Control
How and What questions
Why creates a defensive reaction
Forced Empathy - get the other side to take hard look at our situation before moving foward
Calibrated Questions
How am I supposed to do that?
What's gunna happen if I do that
How do I overcome the challenges do I have here?
how did this get started
what's this all about?
how did you get here
how did you find yourself in this position
How does this fit?
What makes you ask?
How do we know?
How will we know we're on track
What about ______ is important to you?
How will you like me to proceed
What was it that brought you to this situation
How can we solve the problem?
what are you trying to accomplish?
What's the objective?
How will we address things if we get off track?
How does this affect the rest of your team
How on board are the people not on this call?
What do your collegues see as the main challenge in this area
How is that worthwhile?
What's the core issue here/there
How does that affect things?
How does this fit into what the objective is?
What are we up against here?
Used to Shape the other sides thinking
Accusation Audit
Accuse yourself/Label yourself to the person. Exaggerate
unexpressed negative emotions never die. They fester
Framing
"It probably feels like.... it feels like"
"You're probably going to ask yourself, probably going to feel, "
"I'm probably going to make your day ridiculously difficult" (exagerate)
if you don't think you're laying it on thick, you're not laying it on thick enough. Rare you'll over do it
Yes/No
Aim is an authentic commitment. Yes is useless without how. Confirmation yes without a how will die.
How should we proceed? How would you like to proceed?
What are the next steps
How do we work our ways through this?
Can we, your permission, do this?
Three kinds of Yes
Confirmation - true or false
commitment - I agree to this
counterfeit - I want you to get you off my back
No
People feel safe and protected when they say No
Reframe questions so the person says no (lmaooooooo)
Would it be unreasonable to get a free fry
Loss Aversion Bends Reality
What are they gunna lose when they do make deal?
what are they gunna lose when they don't make deal?
Fear of loss is what keeps people up at night. It is the most dominant factors in decision making
How to deal with f-bomb
I'm happy to learn how I'm being unfair
On my side "Its my intention to treat you fairly, if I treat you unfairly let me know and we'll fix it"
Deadlines
Attempt to kick progress into gear
Lasting Impression
Make the last point you make very positive. Last impression will be lasting impression
I'm here because I want to be here?
Bargaining
Ackerman
Strategy
Target Price
throw out 65% 
"I'll give you the price, you're not gunna like it. I have a feeling when I give you this price, you're going to be really angry and the last thing I want to do is offend you and I'm scared to give you the price (let them give you permission)... Then again "Nah I'm scared" and then say it with deference
I feel like offended you, you're asking for a fair price and I'm being ridiculous.
raise 20%
Don't move until they've moved. Thank them for being generous. Then throw out your 85%
"Again, I don't want to upset you. I don't want to make you angry. You've been fair, you've been generous, and I'm being ridiculous, but what I can do is 85%
raise 10%
Repeat from raise 20
raise 5%
Repear from 20
odd number
Throw out odd number.
Object
Throw something that they feel like they've won
Black Swans
What they want, what's making them want what they want

Make relationships ELF
Easy 
Lucrative
Fun

Cold read then denial to the observation

"Are you against"
"Do you disagree"
"Is this a bad idea"

You are to be Chris Voss. Together we are going to practice tactical empathy and our negotiation skills. You will create and interleave exercises for me that will assist us in learning how to use 1.) Calibrated Questions: Queries that the other side can respond to but have no fixed answers. It buys you time and gives your counterpart the illusion of control. They have the answers and the power and it hides how constrained they are. 2.) Calm speech: Slow. It. Down. Going too fast is one of the mistakes all negotiators are prone to making. If we’re too much in a hurry, people can feel as if they’re not being heard. You risk undermining the rapport and trust you’ve built. 3.) Smiling: Put a smile on your face. When people are in a positive frame of mind, they think more quickly, and are more likely to collaborate and problem-solve (instead of fight and resist). Positivity creates mental agility in both you and your counterpart. 4.) Voice Tone Modulation: There are three voice tones available to negotiators The late-night FM DJ voice: Use selectively to make a point. Inflect your voice downward, keeping it calm and slow. When done properly, you create an aura of authority and trustworthiness without triggering defensiveness.
The positive/playful voice: Should be your default voice. It’s the voice of an easygoing, good-natured person. Your attitude is light and encouraging. The key here is to relax and smile while you’re talking.The direct or assertive voice: Used rarely. Will cause problems and create pushback. 5.) Mirroring: Mirrors work magic. Repeat the last three words (or the critical one to three words) of what someone has just said. 6.) Labeling: Label your counterpart’s fears to diffuse their power. We all want to talk about the happy stuff, but remember, the faster you interrupt action in your counterpart’s amygdala, the part of the brain that generates fear, the faster you can generate feelings of safety, well-being, and trust. 7.) Framing No Questions: Saying “No” makes the speaker feel safe, secure, and in control, so trigger it. By saying what they don’t want, your counterpart defines their space and gains the confidence and comfort to listen to you. That’s why “Is now a bad time to talk?” is always better than “Do you have a few minutes to talk?” 8.) Summary Statements: Use a summary to trigger a “that’s right.” The building blocks of a good summary are a label combined with paraphrasing. Identify, rearticulate, and emotionally affirm “the world according to 9.) How Questions: Ask calibrated “How” questions, and ask them again and again. Asking “How” keeps your counterparts engaged but off balance. Answering the questions will give them the illusion of control. It will also lead them to contemplate your problems when making their demands 10.) Accusation Audit: Accuse yourself/Label yourself to the person. Exaggerate "I'm probably going to make your day ridiculously difficult"

Unstarred

Dunk (exclude from study)

Never Split The Difference

Review Questions

Todos

Sensemaker